The Six Stages of Bedtime Resistance

When I was a child I was a pro at making up excuses not to stay in bed at night. My most memorable and valiant effort was probably when I was about three or four. I planned to 'accidentally' roll out of bed while pretending to be asleep. From there I would roll my way out of my bedroom, navigate myself down the stairs and eventually roll into the living room...all while supposedly being asleep. I know, right? Genius. It wasn't well executed though and I don't think I even made it half way across my bedroom floor before my poor mum came upstairs to see what I was piss-arsing about at.

Now Karma has gone and got me and I too have a toddler who is continually finding new and inventive ways not to go to sleep at night. Here are six stages of his bedtime resistance and just a handful of the amazing excuses he might use for getting out of bed.

Denial
"It's not bedtime, it's daytime."

In an attempt to try and convince me of this, he may choose to don his best Ocean Colour Scene sunhat with his pyjamas.


Emotional blackmail.
"Please don't leave me." / "I need 8 more kisses and 12 more cuddles." / "You are very beautiful mummy."

This is usually the most successful of his delaying tactics because let's face it, who can resist a fresh-from-the-bath, snuggly toddler telling you how much they love you?

Blatant and ridiculous lies
"I can't go to bed because the clock is looking at me."

This is a lie. There is no clock in his bedroom. The nearest clock is on the landing and he would already need to be out of bed in order to see it. The clock is not looking at him. He is looking at the clock.

Hypochondria 
"I have tummy ache." / "My ears are itchy." / *Inaudible fake coughing*

Funny how a child who was bouncing off the walls not half an hour ago can develop such sudden and horrific ailments as soon as the lights go out. 

Delirium
"But...but...carpet, things, it's dark...errrrrm...cabbage?"

At this stage his tired, tiny little mind is too exhausted to think up any more excuses and so he just stutters a series of meaningless, unrelated words. This is usually accompanied by some pathetic limb flailing/growling (him) and some Supernanny inspired sternness (me).

Acceptance
Silence. 

Eventually he realises that there is nothing to be gained from this tomfoolery. It is a battle he will never win. Finally it is wine, Doritos and shit television o'clock.

Until...

"Mummyyyyyyy. I need a weeeeeeeeee!"

FML.


7 comments:

  1. Haha this is brilliant! Freddie is known for the "It's not bedtime, it's daytime" especially in the summer! Although currently he's sure bedtime is now at 4.30pm. . Doh!
    Hilarious post once again :) xx

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  2. Thanks so much Imogene. I can just about justify the 'daytime' excuse in summer but not when it's 8pm and pitch black outside! Can't wait until he's a teenager wanting to sleep in everyday...then I'll get my revenge!
    Thank you for reading xx

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  3. Haha! This post actually had never giggling out loud! I have a two year old who isn't old enough to make up these excuses...yet!

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    1. *me not never, stupid phone!

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    2. Your time will come Gemma! Thanks so much for reading :) xx

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  4. Oh my gosh! This is the best post i've read in ages. Was smiling and nodding to every point. Haha. Especially the 'just one more kiss & cuddle' haha.
    Gonna go follow you now. I love your blog. :)
    Sarah xx
    whimsicalmumblings.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind comments Sarah :) Glad you enjoyed it. Gosh, I must give about 20 kisses before I can finally escape!
      xx

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